Various Summer Filks

It's a Trek World (sung to It's a Small World)
by Marte Brengle and Marilyn Wilkerson

It's a world of Tribbles, a world of cheers,
It's a world of wackos with pointed ears,
Punch a Klingon for fun,
Set your phasers on stun,
It's a Trek world after all.....

It's a world at warp speed, a world of stars
Drinking Saur'yan brandy in sleazy bars
Captain Kirk gets around
Keeps two feet off the ground
It's a Trek world after all.

It's a world of logic, a cast gone grey
Though they fight for peace in the Starfleet way
"It's a world just for me!"
Says Gene Rod-den-ber-ree,
"It's just my world after all!"

It's a world of androids who can't say no,
It's a world of doctors who come and go.
We have Wesley, the brain,
And an empath (in pain)--
It's a Trek world after all.

It's a world of captains with little hair
It's a world of worms hiding who knows where
Number One in lame'
Super Wes saves the day
It's a Trek world after all....

It's a world of gangsters, a world of cats,
It's a world where "boogers" can fly like bats,
Hippies sing in the hall,
Watch the crew blow up Vaal,
It's a Trek world after all!

Sweet Savage Star Trek Song
by Sue Clark
(Bev's Theme)
(to the tune of a mangled 'Cherish')

Savage is the word I used to describe
All the feelings that I have, welling deep in me inside
I don't know how many times I wished that I had told him
I don't know how many times I wished that I could hold him
I don't know how many times I wished that I had fainted dead away,
and he would carry me to his cabin in his arms.

But I'm beginning to feel
The Captain's just a man
Who the writers won't let love me.
They gave just the right persona
Just the right sound
And they made me think, made me feel
That he was driving me out of my mind.

Along came second season
And then I realized
Their minds had changed
Just like a thousand other times
I wanted to be with him
For all the rest of our lives
But I got transfered off the ship so far away
And placed out of his mind.

A Sue Clark filk
<imagine a mangled "I Will Survive">

Once I was afraid, I was petrified
Thinking I could never live without Jack by my side
I spent so many nights wishing he could still be near
But I held on, and I went on with my career

And now I'm back, sickbay's my place
But who is that woman over there who's caressing Jean-Luc's face
I came back aboard the ship and expected he'd still be free
I didn't find another woman -- instead I found three

And now it's time, to claim what's mine
I don't know who these other women are he may have lost his mind
I won't stand for this one bit, I'll declare that he's unfit
To run the show, And then everyone will know

Jean-Luc's my man, they'll understand
I've done it all just for his love and I've returned to his command
I wanted him to see that my love burned savagely
How could I know, he'd give me the old heave-ho.

But I will win, I won't give in
First I'll find that little lawyer chick and beam her off the ship
Pulling a power cord will do for the one from holodeck two
It's down to one, but I outrank her <this is fun!>

My plans are set, Jean-Luc I'll get
Tommorrow I'll be done it will be time to start the fun
They thought they'd send me out and I'd forget about his face
But it's season three, and the Captain's here with me...

Picard's Rhapsody
by Sue Clark
<Yes, to the tune of "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen>

Mama, I don't understand
There are women chasing me, acting from love borne savagely
Mama I was having fun
But now you've gone and chased them all away

Mama <oh oh oh oh> <the starship>
I don't want to cry
So please be gone from here this time tomorrow
<so long, so long>
I don't need my mother

<bump bump bump bump>
I see a little phaser pistol in a hand
Please don't shoot, please don't shoot
Tasha open up a frequency
Phaser bolts like lightening
Very very frightening me

I surrender <I surrender>
I surrender <I surrender>
I surrender <let me go>
<We should have known oh oh oh>
No no no no no no no

I'm just the Captain, nobody loves me
He's just a man captured in this whole travesty
Save him his job, free him from this monstrosity

Easy come, easy go, the women know I can't say no

Don't matter now! They will not let you go <don't they know>
Don't matter now! They will not let you go <don't they know>
Will not let you go <don't they know>
Will not let you go <Please don't say no>
<oh no no no no no no>

Oh mama help me mama help me
Mama tell them let me go
The admiral will be coming to the ship next week
<next week, next week>

So you think I would tell my own mother goodbye
So you think I'm a cruel and abrasive guy
Oh, Mama; I'm you're little boy, Mama
Please help me out, please help me get out of here

<Jean-Luc, Jean-Luc, Oh oh oh oh>

Mama really matters, anyone can see
Mama really matters, mama really matters to me
<get the women off the bridge now>

Another Sue Clark filk
<to Sesame Street's Rubber Ducky, w/apologizes to Ernie>

Rubbin' duckies, that's the one
That makes tub time so much fun
Rubbin' duckies is a savage sport for two

Commander Riker can't you see
You have disturbed this droidette and me?
And our rubbin' duckies it's the natural thing to do

Everyday when I interact with the bridge crew
I find some human actions that are fascinatin' and brand new
Like rubbin' rubber duckies

So Will Riker, you must go
I'd like to help you but I must say no
We're multitasking and I haven't got time for you.

A marilyn wilkerson filk
(sung to The Wells Fargo Wagon from The Music Man)

Oh-ho, the third NG season is a-comin' on its way,
I hope that it's not too bad.
Oh-ho, the third NG season is a-comin' on its way,
I hope it's quite the best we've ever had.

We had some decent episodes the first two seasons.
I rated "Schizoid Man" pretty high.
My fav'rites still include "Symbiosis."
And don't we all know how Jim Lyon loves "The Big Goodbye!"

Oh-ho, the third NG season is a-comin' on its way,
Oh, don't let it go downhill.
Oh-ho, the third NG season is a-comin' on its way,
I hope it's just as good, or better still.

I hope there's sev'ral Patrick Stewart Hat Scenes.
I hope he finds a reason to fence.
He'd better use the Enigmatic Gesture.
And Dr. Crusher could seduce him (if she had some sense).

Oh-ho, the third NG season is a-gettin' closer now,
And all we can do is wait and see.
It could be curtains forever if it's really rotten,
Or it could be (yes, it could be, yes, you're right, it surely could be)
Something special (something very, very special, now)
On TV!

On the Enterprise Tonight
by Ira Stoller
(sung to A Comedy Tonight)
(from A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum)

"It's vaguely familiar,
Extremely peculiar,
Something from everyone,
On the Enterprise tonight!

"The Captain is sexy,
His uniform is flexing,
The situation's vexing,
On the Enterprise tonight!

"Where is the crew?
There's lots for to do?
When Star Fleet hears 'bout this,
Our necks' in a noose!

"Data's with Dianna,
Pixel's a Piranha,
There's nudeness around ya,
Confusion tonight!"

The DSPSG theme song
sung to The Mickey Mouse Club
by marilyn wilkerson
(DSPSG = Disgusting Slobbering Patrick Stewart Groupie)

We disgusting, we admit, and punchy as can be.
Proud to be hopelessly DSPSG.
Join us as we slobber if you're smitten totally:
Proud to be hopelessly DSPSG.

One and all
Off the wall.
Forever let us hold our jonquils high!

We have lots of fun with songs or write SSST.
(Proud to be hopelessly DSPSG.)
We regard our hero most imaginatively!
Proud to be hopelessly DSPSG.

Getting yucks
From rubber ducks.
Forever let us hold our duckies high!

HOW I ENVISION THE THIRD SEASON PREMIERE OF ST:TNG
(as a musical)
by marilyn wilkerson

[We open on Dr. Pulaski, in her cabin, packing. She is smiling, moving quickly, and seems almost eager to leave.]

A little sound effect sounded, and Kate merrily called out, "Come in!"

"Dr. Pulaski?" said Data tentatively, as he stepped in.

"Yes, Data!" she said briskly, as she stuffed some things into a piece of luggage. She looked up. "Was there something?"

"I merely came to say goodbye, Doctor, and to offer my sympathy on this somewhat sad occasion."

"Sad, Data?" she asked, moving to a drawer. "Is there something wrong?"

"No; only that you are leaving; and it has been my experience that departures are usually sober affairs," he explained with some puzzlement. "Are you not sad to leave the Enterprise?"

"Well, of course it's a very fine ship, with a very fine captain and crew," she answered, still packing. "But I was never very sure that this was the best place for me to be. I wanted to practice a little starship medicine, and Picard was the captain I preferred to practice it under; but now of course I've done it--it's on my resume, and I must say I'm really quite ready to leave."

"You seem almost," Data hesitated, "well, eager, Doctor."

"Yes, I suppose I am," she smile at him. [We cut to the shuttle slowly approaching the Enterprise, the shuttle carrying the returning Dr. Crusher.]

Dr. Crusher, pacing as much as was possible in the cramped confines of the shuttle, was nervously humming.

"Eager to get back, Doctor?" the shuttle pilot asked with some amusement.

"Yes," she replied thoughtfully, "I guess I am."

"She's quite a special ship, from everything I've heard," the pilot said admiringly. "Seventeen-oh-one-D--pride of the fleet!"

Just then, the majestic ship was fully visible through the shuttle's front window, and they both looked at her with shining faces. The music welled, and Dr. Crusher broke in song (to the tune of "Gary, Indiana").

1701-D, 1701-D, 1701-D; great to see her once again!
1701-D, 1701-D, 1701-D--that's the ship that knew me when.
Now, if you'd like to have a logical explanation,
Maybe Mr. R. is making a reparation.
And I'm glad he did; it's cause for a celebration.
There is just one place that can light my face!
1701-D, 1701-D; for me, none delights as much; it's far beyond the rest!
Oh, 1701-D, 1701-D, 1701-D, the Starfleet's best!

And as the song ended, the shuttlecraft received clearance from the starship to enter the shuttlebay.

The shuttle gracefully lit on the deck of the shuttlebay. As the pilot brought it to a stop, he said over his shoulder, "Expecting a big homecoming?"

"No," Beverly explained; "Nobody is expecting me right now, and the communications officer you just spoke to is third shift so I don't expect the news to make the rounds immediately. Guess I have time to get used to being back on my own."

She stepped out and looked around. Doesn't look very different, she thought, then wondered why she thought it might. She waved briefly at the shuttledeck crewman and made her way out into the corrider, heading toward her old cabin, taking in the sights and sounds of the ship that still, after a year's absence, seemed like home to her.

And softly, to herself, to the ship, and to her friends who would soon be welcoming her back, she started singing (to the tune of "Lida Rose".)

Enterprise, I'm home again, guys,
To get the stars back in the sky.
Enterprise, I'm home again, guys;
I'm going to give it one more try.
Ding, dong, ding--I can hear the red alerts sound.
Ding, dong, ding; though I first dismissed it, I couldn't resist it.
Enterprise, I'm home again, guys,
Without a credit to my name.
Enterprise, I'm home again, guys,
And I see things are still the same.
So give me a welcome; it's great to be home.
Enterprise, I'll never more roam. . . . [The music continues, unpausing; cut to Dr. P heading toward the shuttle.]

Kate Pulaski's walk slowed somewhat as she contemplated the ship she was leaving. To the tune of "Will I Ever Tell You," which I hope everybody knows can be sung at the same time as "Lida Rose," in counterpoint, she also began to sing softly to herself and to the ship that had been her home.

Outta here, outta here;
Sad to be leaving?--not much, I fear.
Will I miss you?
Oh, yes, I'll miss you,
And I'll gladly tell you, but only when I'm far away.
Off I go, off I go.
Not quite the right type, as we all know.
But ever, oh, yes, forever
I won't forget you; ah, no!

And in split screen, Beverly and Kate both sang their parts again, at the same time, as they each slowly made their way though the corridors to their very different destinations. And when the last poignant notes were fading into the quiet of the ship, Beverly reached her cabin, and Kate reached the shuttlecraft. Still in split screen, they both looked around them briefly, then entered the doors opening before them. Softly, with a faint whoosh, the doors closed.

Goodbye, Kate.Hello, Beverly!

[Coming soon to a muscial Trek episode near you, Worf explains to Wesley his taste in women! Catch it!]

Marte Brengle's version of the opening train scene from The Music Man

GUINAN: Starbase Fourteen, next stop.

RIKER: You're getting cabin fever, I tell you. A diploma from Starfleet Academy is essential in this line of work. Geordi, you went to the Academy, didn't you?

GEORDI: Sure, didn't everyone? Data, you're an officer, you went to the Academy.

DATA: Certainly, like everybody else.

GUINAN: Starbase Fourteen, next stop. (glaring at Riker)

RIKER: (takes swig of drink, wipes mouth with back of hand) SCHOOL for the Enterprise, SCHOOL for the bridge crew...

GEORDI: SCHOOL for the Jeffries crew, SCHOOL for the doctor...

RIKER: SCHOOL for the janitors, SCHOOL for the captain...

DATA: (looking puzzled) SCHOOL for the ensigns and commanders and the others...

RIKER: SCHOOL is for everyone that signs aboard the Enterprise...

WORF: Look, gimme a break, gimme a break, gimme a break, gimme a break!

PICARD: (Holding head) Gimme a double.

RIKER: You can talk, you can talk, you can bicker, you can talk, you can talk all you want to, but this thing is a disgrace...

TROI: No it's not, but you gotta have a 'fleet diploma!

DATA: Enterprise made the trouble, made the folks want to get, want to get, want to get up and go, warping out ten, twelve, twenty solar systems way across the galaxy...

GEORDI: That's right, that's right...

RIKER: Who's gonna sail aboard a little bitty two-by-four kinda ship any more?

WORF: Gimme a break, gimme a break, gimme a break, gimme a break!

PULASKI: Gimme a double! (Guinan passes drink across bar, Pulaski knocks it back at one gulp and grins at Worf)

Riker shifts position by the bar, getting comfortable by doing the Picard Maneuver on his undershorts and leering at Troi).

RIKER: Not the Enterprise at all, take a gander at the hol...odeck, that is, at the answer to your prayers, at the answer to your dreams...

WORF: (big grin) Yeah, gimme a (here, Pulaski quickly whips her hand over his mouth, narrowly missing having three or four fingers bitten off)

TROI: You can play, you can fight, you can make love (looking at Worf) you can bite, you can make things up in a flash like Lwaxana does it...

DATA: You can do what you want to, but it's different for a 'droid...

GUINAN: No it's not, but you gotta know your owner's manual.

RIKER: Ever meet a weenie by the name of Wes?

WORF: Wes?

DATA: Wes?

PICARD: Wes?

TROI: Wes?

PULASKI: Wes?

GUINAN: Wes?

O'BRIEN: Wes?

LaFORGE: Wes?

ALL: Ewwwwwwwwww!

PICARD: Just a minute, just a minute, just a minute....

DATA: Never heard of a cadet named Wes.

RIKER: Now, he doesn't have a 'fleet diploma.

TROI: Doesn't have a 'fleet diploma?

O'BRIEN: So what's this weenie's job?

RIKER: Doesn't worry 'bout no job.

TROI: Doesn't worry 'bout no job?

RIKER: Or the holodeck creations or the Enterprise's flight. He's just a smart-mouth, wise-ass, adolescent, post-pubescent, grownup-baiting, save-our-bacon, shove-him-out-the-airlock ENSIGN.

RIKER: Wesley Crusher's all of that, all of that.

WORF: Tell us, how'd the kid get on the ship?

PICARD: He's a twerp, and he thinks that he's a starship captain.

RIKER: (passing huge glass of 200-proof firewater to Picard) He's a know-it-all.

DATA: He's a what? He's a what?

RIKER: He's a know-it all. And he acts like he knows more than folks twice his age, "let me save the ship, let me save the ship."

DATA: Well, I don't know much about saving ships, but I do know you can't begin to try it if you're just sixteen, noooo sir. Welcome other kids, maybe, and take them to the malt shop...

PICARD: No, the kid is on the bridge, that's right, and I don't know why I let him, but there he is right in front of me, pushing buttons, setting courses, putting mousse on his hair...

RIKER: And when there's a shootout, certainly, boys, they never shoot Wes!

ALL: Wessssssssley, Wesssssssssley, Wesssssssley, Wessssssssley, when there's a shootout, certainly, folks, what else? They NEVER shoot Wes.

GUINAN: (Watching Picard slide under the table) Yesss sirr, yesss sir, now you bunch of disreputable drunks get the heck out of my bar and take the poor Captain with you. He's had more than any man should have to take, this last month, even if he did enjoy the heck out of most of it.

(exit all, Worf and Riker dragging Picard down the corridor)

A marilyn wilkerson filk
(sung to Up on the Roof)

When this command starts getting me down
And Wesley is just too much for me to face.
I go right up to the front of the ship
And all my cares just drift right into space.
In 10-4's the only place I know
To just forget, and Guinan "makes it so."
Let me tell you now, when I get off, feeling tired and shot,
I go to where Earl Grey is always hot.
I get away from the bustling bridge
And out of Wesley's sight (the little snot).
In 10-4's the only place I know
To just forget, and Guinan "makes it so."
Let's go, out to 10-4.

The stars are always out and warping by,
And, doctor, you'll enjoy it if you try.
I keep a-telling you that I've a place very special in store
Where we don't have to worry anymore.
And if Sickbay starts getting you down,
There's room enough for two there in 10-4.

(She is, of course, so charmed that she ignores the insults to her son.) --mw

DOWN BY THE AIRLOCK
by Marte Brengle
(to the tune of "Under The Boardwalk")

The Enterprise slows down, it's the end of another day
And here and there you hear the people say they wish he'd go away
Down by the airlock
Cargo deck C
With Security and Wesley, that's where we'll be

They've got him in a bag and stuffed inside a torpedo shell
They chained him hand and foot and fixed it so he couldn't yell
Outside the airlock
Down on Deck C
With Security and Wesley, that's where we'll be

Down by the airlock
Those folks are mad
Down by the airlock
Cause that weenie is bad
Down by the airlock
Their impatience grew
Down by the airlock
They'll be shoving him through
Down by the airlock, airlock!

And now that Wesley's gone the Enterprise is a different place
A place where grownups solve the problems that come up in outer space
Outside the airlock
Down on Deck C
There's a plaque that says that Wesley
Is historyyyyy.....

An SSST Sound Track filk
To the tune of "I Get A Kick Out Of You"
by Kevin Barnes

Idle minds get corrupted it's said,
With NG in reruns the summer I dread
These Sweet Savage folk worry me
Oh please, send NG season III.

In place of the normal debris,
How do warp factors work?
Can I write for TV?
The SIG's gone berzerk, as you see
Oh Please, send NG season III.

Alien forms gnorph Picard
Data and Pixel are in foam, growing hard
Can Geordi crowbar them free?
Oh please, send NG season III.

Yet NG has often failed me...
Season One was a bummer,
Season Two got a "C"...
But these SIGgies who write with such glee
Make Sweet Savage the Trek-form for me.